February 19, 2009

iPhone Apps

(As with a lot of topics, this is just the tip of the iCeberg. Wait for it.)

This is purely personal to me (and the other "ghosts" makinitbetter), as well as, nerds of a certain age but what-the-blood-clot. Now, let me clear my throat.

There are a ton of great things about the iPhone and the app store, too many to get into quite frankly. There are also a myriad of awful things which we’ll eventually get to for the same reasons. Having said that, is it too much to ask for to port old games onto this, or any other smart phone? Some have tried and failed horribly, we’re looking at you Namco. For Chrisssake, WTF!! It’s not rocket surgery. Apple is clearly working on something better. (My Apple deepthroat slash ex-pat-ex-mac internist told me so months ago. BTW: Wouldn’t “The Internist” be a great title for a Grisham novel? I know I'm using it wrong but any-godamn-way...) It can be done and it can turn a profit. Here’s how.

Take Tecmo Bowl for instance. There are a gazillion NES games to chose from, but this is the one we’re choosing. Why wouldn’t this be awesome? Why? (Don’t even get me goin’ on Intelevision or Colecovision!!! Zaxxon was made for the accelerometer!) Sell it for $10 or even better, make it 99¢ and then sell in game brand placement. Whoa, I know. Bo Jackson on the subway, in the waiting room, in line at the motherfuckin’ DMV, online head-to-head action, stoned on the can, it’s basically endless. TecmoBo + the accelerometer would be like, well umm… like this. Yeah, you’d Jizz in your pants like Andy Samberg, don’t even lie. (Again, wouldn’t “Jizz’d” be a great MTV reality show? Get random Maxim models to hit on guys in clubs and film their overly excited/aroused/grabby reactions until Samberg jumps outta nowhere and ruins it asshole-style? Just a thought. A great one, but just a thought.)

The best part is you could get these huge corporations on board, by placing, say a Geico logo on the fifty yard line. Pepsi banners along the top sideline that scroll over and over again like the background in the Flintsones. The Pièce de résistance would be calling said app: THE TOSTITOS TECMO BOWL. I can’t believe I’m giving this away. I also “Can’t believe it’s not butter.” (Okay that was cheesy. I just can’t stop.) This is the perverbial win-win-jizz your pants situation.

You’re welcome.

(Sincerely, Nyce and Irv.)

RANDOMLY BETTER: Just add bacon to whatever you’re eating. Seriously, go to Subway and order a tuna sub… balh, blah, blah, tell ‘em to put some bacon on that bitch too. Tell ‘em you’ll pay for it or whatever. Yep, that is much fuckin’ better. Not convinced? Fry up some strips then throw them in the middle of a lasagna or as a layer in a stack of pancakes or – may God have mercy on my soul – as the meat in a Cinnabon sandwich. (Glazed sides in of course. You’re not a sloppy pot head.)

BLOG POST WHICH COULD NOT BE ANY BETTER: Joe Rogan should have his face on a stamp. Here’s one of the many reason’s why.