We're lazy and a little hung over. A bad combination when we were trying to make the economy better in about 500 words. Since that's not gonna happen, here's some more links. (BTW, we love the term "after the jump." We just do. It's the complete opposite of ending every e-mail with "Cheers." That, we fuckin' hate.)
And finally for those of you without photoshop or gimp, you can still befunky. Plus, there's a WARHOLIZER. Sounds dirty, as in "I'm gonna put my weaponized-johnson in her warhole." 'nuff said.
Cheers bitches! - Nyce, Tara, Sully and his sister Sullie
(As with a lot of topics, this is just the tip of the iCeberg. Wait for it.)
This is purely personal to me (and the other "ghosts" makinitbetter), as well as, nerds of a certain age but what-the-blood-clot. Now, let me clear my throat.
There are a ton of great things about the iPhone and the app store, too many to get into quite frankly. There are also a myriad of awful things which we’ll eventually get to for the same reasons. Having said that, is it too much to ask for to port old games onto this, or any other smart phone? Some have tried and failed horribly, we’re looking at you Namco. For Chrisssake, WTF!! It’s not rocket surgery. Apple is clearly working on something better.(My Apple deepthroat slash ex-pat-ex-mac internist told me so months ago. BTW: Wouldn’t “The Internist” be a great title for a Grisham novel? I know I'm using it wrong but any-godamn-way...) It can be done and it can turn a profit. Here’s how.
Take Tecmo Bowl for instance. There are a gazillion NES games to chose from, but this is the one we’re choosing. Why wouldn’t this be awesome? Why? (Don’t even get me goin’ on Intelevision or Colecovision!!! Zaxxon was made for the accelerometer!) Sell it for $10 or even better, make it 99¢ and then sell in game brand placement. Whoa, I know. Bo Jackson on the subway, in the waiting room, in line at the motherfuckin’ DMV, online head-to-head action, stoned on the can, it’s basically endless. TecmoBo + the accelerometer would be like, well umm… like this. Yeah, you’d Jizz in your pants like Andy Samberg, don’t even lie. (Again, wouldn’t “Jizz’d” be a great MTV reality show? Get random Maxim models to hit on guys in clubs and film their overly excited/aroused/grabby reactions until Samberg jumps outta nowhere and ruins it asshole-style? Just a thought. A great one, but just a thought.)
The best part is you could get these huge corporations on board, by placing, say a Geico logo on the fifty yard line. Pepsi banners along the top sideline that scroll over and over again like the background in the Flintsones. The Pièce de résistance would be calling said app: THE TOSTITOS TECMO BOWL. I can’t believe I’m giving this away. I also “Can’t believe it’s not butter.”(Okay that was cheesy. I just can’t stop.) This is the perverbial win-win-jizz your pants situation.
You’re welcome.
(Sincerely, Nyce and Irv.)
RANDOMLY BETTER: Just add bacon to whatever you’re eating. Seriously, go to Subway and order a tuna sub… balh, blah, blah, tell ‘em to put some bacon on that bitch too. Tell ‘em you’ll pay for it or whatever. Yep, that is much fuckin’ better. Not convinced? Fry up some strips then throw them in the middle of a lasagna or as a layer in a stack of pancakes or – may God have mercy on my soul – as the meat in a Cinnabon sandwich. (Glazed sides in of course. You’re not a sloppy pot head.)
Look, there is absolutely no motherfuckin’ need to forward goddamned joke video e-mails with the fuckin’ .wmv as an attachment to every person in your contacts. None. There’s this thing called YouTube now, just forward the link. It is not 1997 anymore. Here, try it. Subject: Check this out!
If you have one of these hys-TIRED-ical files and are dying to share it with every fuckin’ person you’ve ever met just upload it to YouTube (create an account / channel first if you have to) then people can actually subscribe to your nonsense. (Check out my video below, for example.) They will even get automatic updates every time you load up another video of a drunk chick falling over a table at her cousins wedding. I know, right… it’s the same sort of magic as a fax machine at a retirement home. “Boy-oh-boy, technology suurrrrre is something!”
Also, it is not e-socially acceptable to create, possess or distribute any PowerPoint “gag” files. Not any. Ever. I have spent almost all of my adult life sitting at a computer staring at the screen all day. Trust me, out of all your friends I’m in the majority and we have all seen these YEARS ago. 4Chan, Fark (to name two) with the help of Digg, StumbleUpon, Reddit, Twitter, etc. (See top right, under: MAKE THIS BLOG BETTER) have replaced the need for you to get personally involved by hitting the forward button whenever you think it’s funny that some son-of-a-bitch’s cat “wantz to haz a cheezburger” or that some swarthy hot chick actually has a 7 inch dick. Motherfuck me, please stop it. Trust me, highlighting someone in your Facebook Notes is much, MUCH better than actually forwarding the goddamn chain-letter-questions-shit.
Would you ever, in a million years, call a friend and leave a fuckin’ joke you read in Maxim in their voicemail? No you wouldn’t, but that is exactly what you’re doing each time you forward those memes. To everyone in someone’s contact list around the world, you’re welcome.
P.S. Sully says: “Photos are totally different, you can just scroll down and look before you click DELETE (or if you’re a fuckin’ prick) FORWARD(to)ALL.” No need to run another program. Good point.
RANDOMLY BETTER: Everybody already has a Gmail or hotmail account or whatever, but you may want to give zenbe.com a whirl. They provide some pretty cool features like iPhone lists and the ability to view almost all file formats online including Microsoft Office documents. Power users can even sync existing accounts.
BONUS: Try clusty.com over google. I think they have actually made a better search engine.
[Note: This will obviously be an on going topic. I plan to really explore the studio space on this subject. I mean really explore it. I’ll eventually separate them into their own categories and subdivisions, but let me just get the ball rolling. Nyce per The Boogie Knights]
Look, I know white people need a “Magic Negro” in their lives especially when they suspend disbelief. But it’s not Morgan Freeman. It’s not Denzel. It’s not Sam Jackson. It’s not Eddie Murphy, Tiger Woods nor does he live in Big Mama’s House. It’s not even [may GOD, if God turns out to be white, have mercy on my soul] Will Smith. Replace “The Fresh Prince” with Don Cheadle whenever possible and you’ve got a better movie. You don’t think Don could have handled The Legend of Bagger Vance? Hancock? I am Legend? I, Robot? Wild, Wild West? Six Degrees of Separation? Well wait to you see him as motherfuckin’ War Machine in the Iron Man sequel. Get ready for a new day. Just wait. Hell, he probably would have been a better Jazzy Jeff than Jazzy Jeff !
Also, villains should always be Nazis or sound like Nazis, be associated with Nazis, ex-Nazis, zombie Nazis, whatever. Everybody hates Nazis and always will. They’re like the Yankees, Duke Blue Devils and Republi-Cons all rolled into one. It’s great to root against them! For instance, Hans Gruber in Die Hard would not have been as good – funnier maybe, but not as good - if he had a French-Canadian, Middle Eastern, Latino, or Scottish accent. Making a villain Nazi-ish is sublime. (See: The Terminator [I know, I know, but the first one], Raiders of the Lost Ark, Das Boot, [no wait, they were the good guys right?] any James Bond movie or those headlines of Mel Gibson getting arrested for DUI. If Mel wasn’t a Nazi we would have felt sorry for him. Fuck ‘im.
Okay, this one’s personal, COMPUTERS ARE NOT MAGIC!!!! We all have one, we know how they work. YOU CANNOT ENHANCE A SHITTY, LOW RESOLUTION, SECURITY VIDEO STILL-FRAME IN 3 SECONDS TO THE POINT THAT YOU CAN SEE BLACKHEADS ON THE MURDER’S NOSE AT 100 YARDS!! A.F.I.S. IS NOT LIKE SEARCHING YOUR COMPUTER FOR THAT FILE YOU WERE WORKING ON LAST WEEK!! Even when the CIA, FBI or Illuminati do it, it’s just as much art or subtle technique as it is some kind of algorithm. WHICH ARE NOT 100% ACCURATE!! They would probably also USE THE FUCKIN’ MOUSE rather than type in a couple of random sentences on a keyboard to do it. Stop it, stop it right now Hollywood!! FYI, CSI is unwatchable because of this, and well, for a lot of other crimes against humanity. [BTW , “FYI:CSI:SVU:JAG:NCIS” would be a great fan fiction type scenario. I’m just saying.]
HORACIO: Eric, [dramatic pause / removal of sunglasses]… zoom in on the top left of that surveillance tape, please.
HISPANIC MALE MODEL: [typing feverishly - The Quick Red Fox Jumps Over the Lazy Brown Dog. The Quick Red Fox Jumps Over the Lazy Brown Dog -] Got it, H!
SCREENSHOT OF “ACTUAL DRIVER’S LICSENCE” BASED ON ONE MOTHERFUCKIN’ FRAME OF ENHANCED CONVENIENCE STORE SURVEILLANCE FOOTAGE / AFIS SEARCH / INSTANT DNA ANALYSIS / FACE RECOGNITION SOFTWARE.
HORACIO: We're not retiring, but it looks like we’re going to Boca Raton.
CUE THE WHO / DADE COUNTY VIDEO MONTAGE: YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! [… and scene.]
I actually feel better. Now I’d like to close this out on a high note by speaking directly to the bottom of the barrel. Let me clear my throat.
Dear Mr. Bigshot-Hollywood-Producer-Nazi, you’re only making a horrible sequel for DVD rental purposes anyway, why not just go ahead and use the words “Tokyo Drift” at the end of the title. It’s ALL-good, we’re probably gonna rent it anyway. Live a little. Here: 2 much Sense 2 much Sensibility: Tokyo Drift Star Wars Episode Eleventeen: Tokyo Drift Smokey & The Bandit 4: Tokyo Drift High School Musical 5: Tokyo Drift Harry Potter and The Tokyo Drift The Matrix Re-Cataclysm'd: Tokyo Drift [ah, needs work] Das Shizer Moviefilmenn #2: Tokyo Drift The last one works on so many levels, [sigh] I could do that all day. Actually, just make up your own and drop ‘em around the water cooler at work. Most people will never call you on it, ‘cause they’re as fuckin’ retarded as the assholes that make these sequels in the first place. [Bonus: It could probably be some sort of great drinking game as well.] You’re willkommen.
RANDOMLY BETTER: The Valentine’s dinner date. Go to an Indian Restaurant then check out ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ at the local MoviePlex. It’s a seriously great chick flick. Seriously. When you’re rounding second base later that night, say hi to your mother for me and remember… it is written.
VIDEO CLIP WHICH COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE MADE BETTER:
