PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES

Now that all the wacky fun of blind partisanship is over and we finally have our first Hawaiian President - hopefully as a nation we can get past the whole Pearl Harbor thing or whatever and just move forward - we can take a closer look at the process. Specifically, debates.

Hey I’m all for overly rehearsed, propagandized verbal diarrhea, but what did it really tell us about the candidates? Not much. It basically came down to some NPR guy soft-tossing issues at them while they stroked their “I’m rubber” answers and “you’re glue” rebuttals into the vacant power alley of our collectively short attention span. It’s the equivalent of political batting practice. So what are really talking about, man? Practice?! Practice?! We’re gonna decide who should be the leader of the free world and we’re talking about PRACTICE?!?!?!? Fuck that, we need some chin music.

Okay keep the NPR moderator, but let a panel of a few “impartial journalists” from MSNBC and FOXNews grab the mic and spit. They could even be symbolically seated on the left and right of the screen. Blue and red sports coats, you get the idea. This doesn’t even factor in all the dirty looks and condescending grimaces they’d be throwing at each other.

Think about how entertaining the last debates would have been. O’Reilly, Hannity and Skeletor could have used their infectious rage and gone after the Hawaiian guy like zombies in 28 Days Later. He would have countered with one of his Jedi mind tricks and it would be on! Now that, is how you want your commander-in-chief reacting under pressure.

Just as awesome would have been a smug, condescending dissection of the Civil War Hero through the comedy stylings of Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann.

NPR DUDE: Mr. Olbermann, do you have anything to add to Mr. Matthews’ forty minute “who’s on first” line of questioning.

OLBERMANN: Crazyoldnazisayswhat?

CIVIL WAR GUY: …what?

MATTHEWS: Senator, we have already established that he is on second.

(…and scene)

That would be worth at least a $39.99 pay-per-view and we should all get to vote American Idol style. That way we would know who the next President would be by tuning in the next night to watch Ryan Seacrest pull a name out of a hat and feel secure in the knowledge that our text-message vote counts. Freedom, justice and the pursuit of happiness ensue. You’re welcome

RANDOMLY BETTER: 

Use quarter pounder patties in a Big Mac. You know you would. This would also randomly make hangovers better.

VIDEO WHICH COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE MADE BETTER:

Figure Skating

Remember when you made your girl watch “UFC whatever” with you? Well now it’s payback and you’re going have to watch figure skating with her. Ouch. Well that’s where we can help.

First of all, we do not consider it a sport, just like we don’t consider ballet a sport either. They’re basically the same shit, except the figure skater dudes are much more overtly gay. So, until they recognize ballroom dancing as an Olymp… What? Wait. Whatever.

Anyway, you know how it could be made watchable? H-O-R-S-E. Yep. One of the skaters would pull off a move or a combination of moves and then the others would have to throw it down as well or get a letter. Girls against the, um, boys. Gay guy vs. gayer guy. It wouldn’t matter. Plus, there would be plenty of W-H-O-R-E jokes to piss off your girl!

Oh, did we mention celebrity judges like the black Star Trek guy with the wicked shades, JM J Bullock and one of the hookers from the Pussycat Dolls would decide who is labeled H-O on the big board. (See, told ya!) You would watch just for the God-awful chick wipe-outs. Yeah, you would and so would your girl. 

And just to make it even mo' betta, we are going to have this whole sideshow hosted by Pat Summerall.  You’re welcome.

Randomly better:
Clancy Pendergast and Ted Cottrell should switch names, like right now. Remember how John Madden would always bring up that back judge or whatever who was related to The Pointer Sisters? With this change he could constantly wonder out loud if Clancy was related to Teddy Pendergrass or Teddy Cottrell. Madden's nuts.

Video which couldn’t possibly be made better: