January 30, 2009


Now that all the wacky fun of blind partisanship is over and we finally have our first Hawaiian President - hopefully as a nation we can get past the whole Pearl Harbor thing or whatever and just move forward - we can take a closer look at the process. Specifically, debates.

Hey I’m all for overly rehearsed, propagandized verbal diarrhea, but what did it really tell us about the candidates? Not much. It basically came down to some NPR guy soft-tossing issues at them while they stroked their “I’m rubber” answers and “you’re glue” rebuttals into the vacant power alley of our collectively short attention span. It’s the equivalent of political batting practice. So what are really talking about, man? Practice?! Practice?! We’re gonna decide who should be the leader of the free world and we’re talking about PRACTICE?!?!?!? Fuck that, we need some chin music.

Okay keep the NPR moderator, but let a panel of a few “impartial journalists” from MSNBC and FOXNews grab the mic and spit. They could even be symbolically seated on the left and right of the screen. Blue and red sports coats, you get the idea. This doesn’t even factor in all the dirty looks and condescending grimaces they’d be throwing at each other.

Think about how entertaining the last debates would have been. O’Reilly, Hannity and Skeletor could have used their infectious rage and gone after the Hawaiian guy like zombies in 28 Days Later. He would have countered with one of his Jedi mind tricks and it would be on! Now that, is how you want your commander-in-chief reacting under pressure.

Just as awesome would have been a smug, condescending dissection of the Civil War Hero through the comedy stylings of Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann.

NPR DUDE: Mr. Olbermann, do you have anything to add to Mr. Matthews’ forty minute “who’s on first” line of questioning.

OLBERMANN: Crazyoldnazisayswhat?


MATTHEWS: Senator, we have already established that he is on second.

(…and scene)

That would be worth at least a $39.99 pay-per-view and we should all get to vote American Idol style. That way we would know who the next President would be by tuning in the next night to watch Ryan Seacrest pull a name out of a hat and feel secure in the knowledge that our text-message vote counts. Freedom, justice and the pursuit of happiness ensue. You’re welcome

Use quarter pounder patties in a Big Mac. You know you would. This would also randomly make hangovers better.