March 14, 2009


You. Just. Read. That. It’s not the game itself, that’s just fine. Great even. [citation needed] Close playoff races down to the wire, fire-wagon action with fewer stoppages, a nice infusion of young talent… blah, blah, blah. That’s not the problem. The problemo is that nobody south of the Twin Cities gives a crap. Sooner or later the league will become another CFL. Blasphemy you say? Eazy-peazy lemon-squeazy…we got this.

First, allow us to retort to the recent horse-shit opinion of one Donald asS. Cherry on Ovechkin’s celebrations. Cracka, please! Unlike, say the NFL, this sport could use all the “Did you see that!” highlights and ensuing celebrations on the Mothership that it can get. The league has a horrible financial outlook. Horrible. You wait, by 2011-2012 the geographical landscape and financial blueprint of the NHL will be dramatically different. This isn’t some stock market Black Swan either. (But neither was the stock market for that matter.) Maybe they should have sold the whole thing for a few Billi when they had the chance. All we’re saying is that Bettman and his boys are in deep Scooby-Doo-Doo. (RIGHT-RAGGY?) With public access ratings and dwindling attendance in key Red, White & Blue“Freedom” markets (Hey Detroit, anybody listening?), this league is in need of nightly 11 o’clock, quick-cut hype. So please, let him do his thang. The league needs heroes or in some cases villains. We’re not saying give Avery the mic and let him spit like ‘Pac, but “Let them play!” Let them enjoy it. If the other team has a problem with it, THEY will handle it - on the ice - with their gloves off. That’s right up your alley, ain’t it Don? Yep, pwnd that asS. Boogie Knights 1, Crazy-Old-Michael-Irvin-Suit-Wearing-Jaggoff zip. Scoreboard bitch.

B) Scrap the pro’s in the Olympics. I know, I know, Canada but after 2010. Relax, don’t flame us, eh. Is Olympic hockey great? Yes. Do the Olympics as a whole kinda suck? Yes. So WTF?!?! Gary, you are bringing Jenna Jameson to a swinger party. You’re the big dog. Piss on you’re territory. Own that shit. Your game is already bigger. The Olympics are all about watching people you have never heard of accomplish something fuckin’ awesome on a world stage. That’s it. Stars are for filling arenas 80-some times a year. Any asshole will buy an Olympic ticket.

Hmm, now they do have this thing called the Spangler Cup. ‘Bunch of has-been’s, semi-somebodies and could’ve-beens going all out for some shitty Euro-trophy. Hockey is taxing. These dudes actually do it for the love of the game at a very high level. So every four years, let’s reward these almost-made-it / had-a-cup-coffee guys with a fuckin’ medal. Plus, the NHL CANNOT afford, financially or in terms of exposure, to have a star get injured. It’s going to happen… again. (See: Hasek – Ottawa Senators) That crippled them on many levels. What if Nash gets hurt? Ovechkin? Crosby? Those markets couldn’t handle it. Hell if a Toronto Maple Leaf or Montreal Canadien star got hurt, during a front running Cup push, we’d have to ‘ctrl-alt-delete’ the internet in Canada. Parts of The great White North would resemble the barren wasteland in Mad Max. Goalie masks, Thunder Dome, creepy Tina Turner and all. (Both those teams kinda suck now, but by 2012, they will renew their rivalry atop or near the top of the Eastern conference, just watch.) You’d bitch Canada, but you’d still be in to it anyway. And end up liking it, like drunk Christmas Party sex with that (expletive deleted) in Human Resources.

iii. Nobody knows who these kids are before they get drafted. That’s sort of a major goddamn problem. Again Canada, EEEE-ZZZEEE, we’re gonna fix this south of the border and we’re not talking about Mexico. Junior hockey in the CND is college hoops and NCAA football combined. So what do the major junior leagues do? They have a crappy round-robin tourney (which sounds kinda, umm, pillow biter-ish, just sayin’ ) with only four fuckin’ teams featuring that bitch-ass double elimination format. And one of the final four is the broke-dick host team. Yippee-kah-yay mofo’s! No. No more. This is not Europe. Wait for it. This isn’t a new idea: 8-team-bracket format with at-large bids and errthing. Selection show! Bubble teams! Debatable seeding! One and done games! WHY DO YOU THINK THE NCAA MAKES BILLION$ ON THE FINAL FOUR!?! The Frozen Four gets play for crissake! We would all talk about it, watch it and fill out brackets to enter the $250 office pool. THAT’S WHY!

Here’s the real point, TSN would eat it up. ESPN2, ESPNU and ESPN Deportes would have a hockey “they-got-next” sporting event. (Okay, Deportes was a stretch, but you get the idea.) The coup-de-gras would be actually seeing these kids show-out before they get drafted. Make the draft mean something to the casual fan. Dwayne Wade was a nobody before the Final 4. So was Michael Jordan, Patrick Ewing, The Dream, Lorenzo Charles, etc. Sure they didn’t all pan out (sorry about that Lo) but still. It would take a few years to build some momentum, but it would. One shining moment is all these kids need. Actually, it’s all the NHL needs too. Fuckit, the Olympics/Spangler Cup idea should use this format too.

You’re welcome,
The Boogie Knights.

*Shout out to Classified*… we’re listening. (Mostly Sully’s sister Sullie, but that’s why you got into the business, right?) Don’t change them digits. Enfield-what!

RAMDOMLY BETTER: Let's end the World baseball Classic, wipe out all evidence that ever existed then drag whoever came up with idea in front of a firing squad. You're welcome.

TRAILER WHICH COULD NOT BE ANY BETTER: (We would try to make it better, but we have no idea what the hell is going on.)

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