MOVIES & TV: TOKYO DRIFT

[Note: This will obviously be an on going topic. I plan to really explore the studio space on this subject. I mean really explore it. I’ll eventually separate them into their own categories and subdivisions, but let me just get the ball rolling. Nyce per The Boogie Knights]

Look, I know white people need a “Magic Negro” in their lives especially when they suspend disbelief. But it’s not Morgan Freeman. It’s not Denzel. It’s not Sam Jackson. It’s not Eddie Murphy, Tiger Woods nor does he live in Big Mama’s House. It’s not even [may GOD, if God turns out to be white, have mercy on my soul] Will Smith. Replace “The Fresh Prince” with Don Cheadle whenever possible and you’ve got a better movie. You don’t think Don could have handled The Legend of Bagger Vance? Hancock? I am Legend? I, Robot? Wild, Wild West? Six Degrees of Separation? Well wait to you see him as motherfuckin’ War Machine in the Iron Man sequel. Get ready for a new day. Just wait. Hell, he probably would have been a better Jazzy Jeff than Jazzy Jeff !

Also, villains should always be Nazis or sound like Nazis, be associated with Nazis, ex-Nazis, zombie Nazis, whatever. Everybody hates Nazis and always will. They’re like the Yankees, Duke Blue Devils and Republi-Cons all rolled into one. It’s great to root against them! For instance, Hans Gruber in Die Hard would not have been as good – funnier maybe, but not as good - if he had a French-Canadian, Middle Eastern, Latino, or Scottish accent. Making a villain Nazi-ish is sublime. (See: The Terminator [I know, I know, but the first one], Raiders of the Lost Ark, Das Boot, [no wait, they were the good guys right?] any James Bond movie or those headlines of Mel Gibson getting arrested for DUI. If Mel wasn’t a Nazi we would have felt sorry for him. Fuck ‘im.

Okay, this one’s personal, COMPUTERS ARE NOT MAGIC!!!! We all have one, we know how they work. YOU CANNOT ENHANCE A SHITTY, LOW RESOLUTION, SECURITY VIDEO STILL-FRAME IN 3 SECONDS TO THE POINT THAT YOU CAN SEE BLACKHEADS ON THE MURDER’S NOSE AT 100 YARDS!! A.F.I.S. IS NOT LIKE SEARCHING YOUR COMPUTER FOR THAT FILE YOU WERE WORKING ON LAST WEEK!! Even when the CIA, FBI or Illuminati do it, it’s just as much art or subtle technique as it is some kind of algorithm. WHICH ARE NOT 100% ACCURATE!! They would probably also USE THE FUCKIN’ MOUSE rather than type in a couple of random sentences on a keyboard to do it. Stop it, stop it right now Hollywood!! FYI, CSI is unwatchable because of this, and well, for a lot of other crimes against humanity. [BTW , “FYI:CSI:SVU:JAG:NCIS” would be a great fan fiction type scenario. I’m just saying.]

HORACIO: Eric, [dramatic pause / removal of sunglasses]… zoom in on the top left of that surveillance tape, please.

HISPANIC MALE MODEL: [typing feverishly - The Quick Red Fox Jumps Over the Lazy Brown Dog. The Quick Red Fox Jumps Over the Lazy Brown Dog -] Got it, H!

SCREENSHOT OF “ACTUAL DRIVER’S LICSENCE” BASED ON ONE MOTHERFUCKIN’ FRAME OF ENHANCED CONVENIENCE STORE SURVEILLANCE FOOTAGE / AFIS SEARCH / INSTANT DNA ANALYSIS / FACE RECOGNITION SOFTWARE.

HORACIO: We're not retiring, but it looks like we’re going to Boca Raton.

CUE THE WHO / DADE COUNTY VIDEO MONTAGE: YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
[… and scene.]

I actually feel better. Now I’d like to close this out on a high note by speaking directly to the bottom of the barrel. Let me clear my throat.

Dear Mr. Bigshot-Hollywood-Producer-Nazi, you’re only making a horrible sequel for DVD rental purposes anyway, why not just go ahead and use the words “Tokyo Drift” at the end of the title. It’s ALL-good, we’re probably gonna rent it anyway. Live a little. Here:
2 much Sense 2 much Sensibility: Tokyo Drift
Star Wars Episode Eleventeen: Tokyo Drift
Smokey & The Bandit 4: Tokyo Drift
High School Musical 5: Tokyo Drift
Harry Potter and The Tokyo Drift
The Matrix Re-Cataclysm'd: Tokyo Drift [ah, needs work]
Das Shizer Moviefilmenn #2: Tokyo Drift
The last one works on so many levels, [sigh] I could do that all day. Actually, just make up your own and drop ‘em around the water cooler at work. Most people will never call you on it, ‘cause they’re as fuckin’ retarded as the assholes that make these sequels in the first place. [Bonus: It could probably be some sort of great drinking game as well.] You’re willkommen.

RANDOMLY BETTER: The Valentine’s dinner date. Go to an Indian Restaurant then check out ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ at the local MoviePlex. It’s a seriously great chick flick. Seriously. When you’re rounding second base later that night, say hi to your mother for me and remember… it is written.

VIDEO CLIP WHICH COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE MADE BETTER:

PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES

Now that all the wacky fun of blind partisanship is over and we finally have our first Hawaiian President - hopefully as a nation we can get past the whole Pearl Harbor thing or whatever and just move forward - we can take a closer look at the process. Specifically, debates.

Hey I’m all for overly rehearsed, propagandized verbal diarrhea, but what did it really tell us about the candidates? Not much. It basically came down to some NPR guy soft-tossing issues at them while they stroked their “I’m rubber” answers and “you’re glue” rebuttals into the vacant power alley of our collectively short attention span. It’s the equivalent of political batting practice. So what are really talking about, man? Practice?! Practice?! We’re gonna decide who should be the leader of the free world and we’re talking about PRACTICE?!?!?!? Fuck that, we need some chin music.

Okay keep the NPR moderator, but let a panel of a few “impartial journalists” from MSNBC and FOXNews grab the mic and spit. They could even be symbolically seated on the left and right of the screen. Blue and red sports coats, you get the idea. This doesn’t even factor in all the dirty looks and condescending grimaces they’d be throwing at each other.

Think about how entertaining the last debates would have been. O’Reilly, Hannity and Skeletor could have used their infectious rage and gone after the Hawaiian guy like zombies in 28 Days Later. He would have countered with one of his Jedi mind tricks and it would be on! Now that, is how you want your commander-in-chief reacting under pressure.

Just as awesome would have been a smug, condescending dissection of the Civil War Hero through the comedy stylings of Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann.

NPR DUDE: Mr. Olbermann, do you have anything to add to Mr. Matthews’ forty minute “who’s on first” line of questioning.

OLBERMANN: Crazyoldnazisayswhat?

CIVIL WAR GUY: …what?

MATTHEWS: Senator, we have already established that he is on second.

(…and scene)

That would be worth at least a $39.99 pay-per-view and we should all get to vote American Idol style. That way we would know who the next President would be by tuning in the next night to watch Ryan Seacrest pull a name out of a hat and feel secure in the knowledge that our text-message vote counts. Freedom, justice and the pursuit of happiness ensue. You’re welcome

RANDOMLY BETTER: 

Use quarter pounder patties in a Big Mac. You know you would. This would also randomly make hangovers better.

VIDEO WHICH COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE MADE BETTER:

Figure Skating

Remember when you made your girl watch “UFC whatever” with you? Well now it’s payback and you’re going have to watch figure skating with her. Ouch. Well that’s where we can help.

First of all, we do not consider it a sport, just like we don’t consider ballet a sport either. They’re basically the same shit, except the figure skater dudes are much more overtly gay. So, until they recognize ballroom dancing as an Olymp… What? Wait. Whatever.

Anyway, you know how it could be made watchable? H-O-R-S-E. Yep. One of the skaters would pull off a move or a combination of moves and then the others would have to throw it down as well or get a letter. Girls against the, um, boys. Gay guy vs. gayer guy. It wouldn’t matter. Plus, there would be plenty of W-H-O-R-E jokes to piss off your girl!

Oh, did we mention celebrity judges like the black Star Trek guy with the wicked shades, JM J Bullock and one of the hookers from the Pussycat Dolls would decide who is labeled H-O on the big board. (See, told ya!) You would watch just for the God-awful chick wipe-outs. Yeah, you would and so would your girl. 

And just to make it even mo' betta, we are going to have this whole sideshow hosted by Pat Summerall.  You’re welcome.

Randomly better:
Clancy Pendergast and Ted Cottrell should switch names, like right now. Remember how John Madden would always bring up that back judge or whatever who was related to The Pointer Sisters? With this change he could constantly wonder out loud if Clancy was related to Teddy Pendergrass or Teddy Cottrell. Madden's nuts.

Video which couldn’t possibly be made better: