Look, I know white people need a “Magic Negro” in their lives especially when they suspend disbelief. But it’s not Morgan Freeman. It’s not Denzel. It’s not Sam Jackson. It’s not Eddie Murphy, Tiger Woods nor does he live in Big Mama’s House. It’s not even [may GOD, if God turns out to be white, have mercy on my soul] Will Smith. Replace “The Fresh Prince” with Don Cheadle whenever possible and you’ve got a better movie. You don’t think Don could have handled The Legend of Bagger Vance? Hancock? I am Legend? I, Robot? Wild, Wild West? Six Degrees of Separation? Well wait to you see him as motherfuckin’ War Machine in the Iron Man sequel. Get ready for a new day. Just wait. Hell, he probably would have been a better Jazzy Jeff than Jazzy Jeff !
Also, villains should always be Nazis or sound like Nazis, be associated with Nazis, ex-Nazis, zombie Nazis, whatever. Everybody hates Nazis and always will. They’re like the Yankees, Duke Blue Devils and Republi-Cons all rolled into one. It’s great to root against them! For instance, Hans Gruber in Die Hard would not have been as good – funnier maybe, but not as good - if he had a French-Canadian, Middle Eastern, Latino, or Scottish accent. Making a villain Nazi-ish is sublime. (See: The Terminator [I know, I know, but the first one], Raiders of the Lost Ark, Das Boot, [no wait, they were the good guys right?] any James Bond movie or those headlines of Mel Gibson getting arrested for DUI. If Mel wasn’t a Nazi we would have felt sorry for him. Fuck ‘im.
Okay, this one’s personal, COMPUTERS ARE NOT MAGIC!!!! We all have one, we know how they work. YOU CANNOT ENHANCE A SHITTY, LOW RESOLUTION, SECURITY VIDEO STILL-FRAME IN 3 SECONDS TO THE POINT THAT YOU CAN SEE BLACKHEADS ON THE MURDER’S NOSE AT 100 YARDS!! A.F.I.S. IS NOT LIKE SEARCHING YOUR COMPUTER FOR THAT FILE YOU WERE WORKING ON LAST WEEK!! Even when the CIA, FBI or Illuminati do it, it’s just as much art or subtle technique as it is some kind of algorithm. WHICH ARE NOT 100% ACCURATE!! They would probably also USE THE FUCKIN’ MOUSE rather than type in a couple of random sentences on a keyboard to do it. Stop it, stop it right now Hollywood!! FYI, CSI is unwatchable because of this, and well, for a lot of other crimes against humanity. [BTW , “FYI:CSI:SVU:JAG:NCIS” would be a great fan fiction type scenario. I’m just saying.]
HORACIO: Eric, [dramatic pause / removal of sunglasses]… zoom in on the top left of that surveillance tape, please.
HISPANIC MALE MODEL: [typing feverishly - The Quick Red Fox Jumps Over the Lazy Brown Dog. The Quick Red Fox Jumps Over the Lazy Brown Dog -] Got it, H!
SCREENSHOT OF “ACTUAL DRIVER’S LICSENCE” BASED ON ONE MOTHERFUCKIN’ FRAME OF ENHANCED CONVENIENCE STORE SURVEILLANCE FOOTAGE / AFIS SEARCH / INSTANT DNA ANALYSIS / FACE RECOGNITION SOFTWARE.
HORACIO: We're not retiring, but it looks like we’re going to Boca Raton.
CUE THE WHO / DADE COUNTY VIDEO MONTAGE: YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
[… and scene.]
I actually feel better. Now I’d like to close this out on a high note by speaking directly to the bottom of the barrel. Let me clear my throat.
Dear Mr. Bigshot-Hollywood-Producer-Nazi, you’re only making a horrible sequel for DVD rental purposes anyway, why not just go ahead and use the words “Tokyo Drift” at the end of the title. It’s ALL-good, we’re probably gonna rent it anyway. Live a little. Here:
2 much Sense 2 much Sensibility: Tokyo Drift
Star Wars Episode Eleventeen: Tokyo Drift
Smokey & The Bandit 4: Tokyo Drift
High School Musical 5: Tokyo Drift
Harry Potter and The Tokyo Drift
The Matrix Re-Cataclysm'd: Tokyo Drift [ah, needs work]
Das Shizer Moviefilmenn #2: Tokyo Drift
The last one works on so many levels, [sigh] I could do that all day. Actually, just make up your own and drop ‘em around the water cooler at work. Most people will never call you on it, ‘cause they’re as fuckin’ retarded as the assholes that make these sequels in the first place. [Bonus: It could probably be some sort of great drinking game as well.] You’re willkommen.
RANDOMLY BETTER: The Valentine’s dinner date. Go to an Indian Restaurant then check out ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ at the local MoviePlex. It’s a seriously great chick flick. Seriously. When you’re rounding second base later that night, say hi to your mother for me and remember… it is written.
VIDEO CLIP WHICH COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE MADE BETTER:
