makinitbetter

CUNT BOMB

2010-06-10T23:33:00.001-07:00

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

MAKIN SCHOOL PLAYS BETTER WITH A VENGEANCE.

2010-03-29T18:13:00.000-07:00

First you get the lunch money, the you get the power-up, then you get the candy. Now say hello to my little friends!

EMBED-Scarface School Play - Watch more free videos

WE WANT WHATEVER JAPAN'S SMOKING... THEN WE WANT SOME OF THESE IN COOL RANCH

2010-03-20T23:01:00.000-07:00

Seriously fuck TOSTITOS, these guys (or dogs or whatever)
should be the official sponsor of the BCS.

THE "RAINMAN" OF TATTOOS

2010-03-16T23:18:00.000-07:00

This guy is totally retarded and a complete genius at the same time.

WELCOME TARDS!

2010-03-13T19:10:00.000-08:00

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YEAH. THAT'S GOLD MEDAL RIGHT THERE.

2010-02-17T00:31:00.000-08:00

"Warming Up" from Tanner Ringerud on Vimeo.

9 THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT DREW BREES

2010-02-08T00:00:00.000-08:00

Think you know Young Breesy? Have you accepted Breesus as your QB and Savior? Is Brees 32:39:288:2 written on the eye black tape under your eyes? Even so, you might not know these interesting facts about Nine.

1. He doesn't celebrate touchdowns, they celebrate him.
2. If you say his name out loud three times in a row, a football hits you right in the chest.
3. He's actually left handed, he throws with his right to make it sporting.
4. He doesn't call audibles, he thinks them.
5. Took an underachieving, awkward & scrawny Bill Brasky under his wing in college.
6. Can solve any Sudoku using only wingdings and a single pound sign.
7. His year old son has already signed a letter of intent with Professor Xavier's Academy. (Lane Kiffin was disappointed, but begrudgingly approved.)
8. Crushes his enemies, sees them driven before him and hears the lamentation of their cheerleaders.
9. Will make you forget Oreos in favor of Drew Brees cookies. [citation needed]

EVERY COMIC BOOK SHOULD START THIS WAY

2010-02-04T20:51:00.000-08:00

There's plenty more after the jump... YEEAAAAAAAAAA!

THA ANSWER TO WHATEVER, MAN. FUCK.

2010-02-02T22:43:00.000-08:00

BONUS TRACK MOTHAFOOKAHS:

Fuck it, just become a fan on Facebook. Or just get a load of this bitches.

You're welcome.

FINGER PARKOUR

2010-01-06T22:21:00.000-08:00

HOCKEY PLAYER OR STAR WARS CHARACTER

2010-01-05T15:27:00.000-08:00

FYI: This is a great drinking game and a great way to settle “Hatfield v. McCoy” disputes, as per The Hillbilly CBA of 2007.

1. Tuukka Rask

2. Galen Marek

3. Karlis Skrastins

4. Bertroff Hissa

5. Antti Niemi

6. Anssi Salmela

7. Raymus Antilles

8. Wojtek Wolski

9. Pekka Rinne

10. Mirax Terrik

11. Anze Kopitar

12. Carlist Rieekan

13. Raitis Ivanans

14. Rune Haako

15. Kamil Kreps

16. Radek Bonk

17. Lando Calrissian

18. Arvel Crynyds

19. Saku Koivu

20. Agen Kolar

21. Firmus Piett

22. Teemu Selanne

23. Dak Ralter

24. Zdeno Chara

25. Jan Ors

**BONUS: Marc-Andre Chewbacca

(**This is actually a trick question since he is of mixed Goaliee / Wookiee heritage.)

ANSWERS

Hockey Players: 1,3,5,6,8,9,11,13,15,16,19,22,24

Star Wars: 2,4,7,10,12,14,17,18,20,21,23,25

WAR! WHAT IT IS GOOD FOR? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING...

2009-12-19T23:42:00.000-08:00

NOW "THIS," IS MAKINITBETTER

2009-12-12T22:21:00.000-08:00

SUZIE COCKTAIL: MAKIN ICE BETTER

2009-12-11T00:34:00.000-08:00

MAKIN' GIF'S CLASSIER:

CLICK FOR: BOOM, BOOM, POW!

UNORTHODOXED COMMERCIAL

2009-12-09T17:48:00.000-08:00

This will NEVER get old. EVER!

HE DOES HAVE A GOOD POINT.

2009-12-04T14:48:00.000-08:00

At least he spelt juice right. So there's that.

RIGHT HERE, COUNT FUCK-YOU-LA!

2009-11-25T20:29:00.000-08:00

Sweetie, you've been Knighted.

THIS IS A"LITTLE" CRAZY...

2009-11-20T13:08:00.000-08:00

FUNKHOUSER'S JOKE

2009-11-19T12:25:00.000-08:00

SPAM, THE NOVEL (Chapter 3)

2009-11-10T22:41:00.000-08:00

(Another piece of the puzzle from Nyce's inbox is revealed. Not.)

CHAPTER 3
The daughter of the great whore of whores.

Nov. 11, 1:39 a.m.

How are you, Rafael!

He hated Gall. That is all I want now. Zane hefted the scythe. He galloped down a side alley. This is our first big attack. This would be nothing. Every woman should learn a trade. Women should attend less to household duties.
The blanket was lifted from me. That is what I told her. But what if we should have it? Then we will blow it together. It was man. Now and forever now. Her father shook his head sadly. STILL AMONG SHOALS. It didn't seem to. In my right the fascist papers.
If that woman could only write. Daughter of the great whore of whores. The best you've ever served under. Smith and Mr. The rest of the creature ran on. They'll be glad to share their rooms. The bridge is nothing to me. Tonight we discuss all. He had not taken any before. In a moment he had it figured. Here it comes.
Am I not right? Would he sit down? He continued forward. We've had enough of this. Joy lit up his eyes. Where was there safe passage? What signs are there of a hound? We are through the crust. Pilar did not turn. This sounded very good. Pointing at nothing.

SPAM, THE NOVEL (Chapter 2)

2009-11-10T09:52:00.000-08:00

(Marcus' junk mail saga continues. The plot thickens.)

CHAPTER 2
The Taking of Segovia

Nov. 10, 2009 12:38 p.m.

Good afternoon, Josefa!

WOMEN OF THE FUTURE. IN STRANGE WATERS. How much is it that you need? You go home again. There won't be any calling off.
He is becoming too sad to bear. The book had not been a success. But let it stand at that. Smith or Mr. You can resign the office. Have your hands on your hips. It was a late spring morning. Paradox protects me! Nor at any time?
Look at them! We are all right. It won't bear analysis. Bowen of St. Why had she done that? Have you got this Indian? Probably more pennies.
What power on earth could save him! Not having to be cautious here now. Then they vanished from our sight. The air was more viscous than ever. The tangle tree was a charred stump. The mirror denied it. We can take Segovia. That is just what happens. But a second glance dispelled the hope. Suddenly he heard a rumbling voice. Bmk found it.

SPAM, THE NOVEL (Chapter 1)

2009-11-10T09:46:00.000-08:00

(Marcus has recently been receiving crazy junk mail, that he will turn into a running story. Enjoy.)

CHAPTER 1
A Duaghter's Silence

NOV. 10, 2009 11:43 a.m.

How are you, Gabriel!

Everybody is coming. And then again Mrs. He had need of her. Try another pinch. But I hate it. Pearson is the senior.
Harold will help. Zane squeezed his eyes shut. But let it stand at that. Sure you would. We are in a hurry. Why is my daughter silent? It is no good whatever. He looked up at Pilar. He had not yet released my wrist.
Worse and worse! No sound was heard. I've never seen it turn so fast! One is on guard below. EXTRACT FROM THE DIARY OF DR. They've known about all the others. Pablo is very wily. How much have you brought me? Chester's rear hooves stepped off the ledge. There was the odor of burning paper.
Who knows what we may yet see? But not to interfere with my work. Did it not strike you? It was reading his living soul! This was some watch! And why -- why? Out you march! What's the matter with me?

MOVIE MONDAY!

2009-11-02T22:08:00.000-08:00

"This would have been hot in 19-ninety-never." Well said Irv.

His name is BANGS... deal with it, bitches.

SHE WANTS IT THAT WAY...

2009-10-15T01:39:00.000-07:00

Sully's sister Sullie was adamant about this post. She had the conch on this one... For the record:
"Jesus Christ. The "kiss dude's wife lookin' / hot chick" got the gay guys to play along, while the other chick answered the phone. Big fuckin' deal!" - Marcus-Motherfuckin'-Nyce

THE JOKER BLOGS

2009-10-12T23:22:00.000-07:00

This is pretty tight. Follow the entries on YouTube.

STAY CLASSY NY

2009-09-17T20:17:00.000-07:00

RANDOMLY BETTER VIRAL AD:

The best part is the baby stays in character the whole time. Nice job, kid.

THE MICHAEL JORDAN OF DEAD POOLS

2009-09-15T22:09:00.000-07:00

As four people who have competed in dead pools for quite some time, we salute you. Our own resident grim reaper, Sully's-sister-Sullie, even bows down. Your deadly prognostications are to be revered.

HATE THE AUTOTUNE, NOT THE AUTOTUNER

2009-09-04T18:35:00.000-07:00

2 MORE REPS, THEN SAY HI TO YOUR MOTHER FOR ME

2009-08-28T21:50:00.000-07:00

You can pick up a copy of the VHS on amazon.com. POW!!

RANDOMLY BETTER PHOTOSHOP: If celebrities were ordinary people. Here, meet Dave and Vicky Beckham.

More CELEBUGLIES after the jump.

1981, NEWSPAPERS "GET" THE INTERNET

2009-08-26T22:54:00.000-07:00

Exactly how did they fuck this up? They were first? Before you know it, there will not be any print editions anymore. But at least they saw the potential before it actually existed and then dismissed it. Brilliant.

RANDOMLY BETTER WIKIPEDIA PAGE: LAWSUITS AGAINST GOD Hilarity ensues after the jump.

For more "waki" wiki entries, check out bestofwikipedia.tumblr.com. A twice-daily updated collection of some of the best reading on Wikipedia. It's Fascinating. You're welcome.

RANDOMLY BETTER 3-WAY: Just click here. SFW

TWO GIRLS, ONE-UP

2009-08-25T16:26:00.000-07:00

That's pretty sick.

UMM, ACTUALLY SASHA... "THIS" IS FIERCE!

2009-08-18T20:08:00.000-07:00

If they don't win, we're NEVER watching ABDC again. Okay, we don't really watch now, but you get the point. This just broke Sully's-sister-Sullie's GAYDAR.

"I think Beyonce is the new Cher... or the new black. No wait! Not like that!! I mean (giggling) fuck you!"
- Transcript of Sully's-sister-Sullie's voice message. Yep, she had the argument with herself.

RANDOMLY BETTER MOTHERFUCKIN' DEMO REEL:

Ian Pfaff's Demo Reel from Ian Pfaff on Vimeo.

MORE SITES THAT ARE BETTER THAN MOST

2009-08-15T20:56:00.001-07:00

HOST CHOPPER. The only web host with a fucking chopper! Bonus: Their tweets are 140 characters of gold.

The saucy love is back. The McRib has a website, AND a fuckin' DJ.

The Original Kings of Unintentional Comedy: realtors.

Sluts are awesome, we should all befriend some. iamfriendswithsluts.tumblr.com

justin.tv: streaming all sorts of "illegal & blacked out in your area" goodness.

LIVELEAK: It's like an uncensored YouTube.

Wanna know where all those cute or disgusting or funny or whatever images and jokes you get in your inbox come from?
Here. The grand daddy of 'em all 4chan. If you don't know you betta axe someone.

Meme much? Check out the random or /b/ board, it ain't for the faint of heart. Here's a little sample. You're welcome.

RANDOMLY BETTER WWJD:

INSTANT CULT CLASSIC

2009-08-12T19:22:00.000-07:00

"Having lost faith in the human race, a legion of angels descend to Earth to bring about the Apocalypse. Humanity's only hope lies in a group of strangers trapped in a diner and the Archangel Michael himself."

You're kids are going to be watching this in college, late at night, twenty years from now. The same way you get high and watch the original Planet of the Apes, and kinda giggle, but secretly like it - and quote it - for days afterward. Trust us.

Much, much more from firstshowing.net after the jump.

RANDOMLY BETTER "CLIFFSNOTES" REBOOT:

ANIMALS WITH CASTS

2009-08-10T17:48:00.000-07:00

If your girl has this website bookmarked, fuckyeahanimalswithcasts.tumblr.com, then break up with her, like, A-S-A-to-the-P. If your boyfriend has it bookmarked, you're a beard. Just sayin'.

More broke-ass animals after the jump.

RANDOMLY BETTER WAY TO SHOW OFF YOUR BONER:

"Not that there's anything wrong with..."
Actually, there's A LOT wrong with this shit.
Hey we're as open minded as the next crew,
but gay dudes need to slow their role.
Actually, they need to bring their roll to a dead stop
and GRADUALLY start that shit up again. SLOWLY.
Seriously, goddamn.

MOS DEF NOT MAKINITBETTER: Far Side much, shitstick?

Unless Gary Larsen has a new nom-de-plume, this asshole is a straight up:

"simple and plain / motherfuck him and John Wayne!"

Fuck you Scott Hillburn.

"Fuck you and the set you claim / Scott H. and the Universal Press Press Syndicate some mark-ass bitches! >>>I hit 'em up!"
- Sully (per Tupac Shakur)

MOTI-FUCKIN'-VATION

2009-08-08T19:37:00.000-07:00

Whover said "It's not whether you win or lose it's how you play the game," did NOT have Bobby "FUCKIN" Knight as their FUCKIN' coach! (Shout out to Ransom for the link. B, you've been Knighted.)

RANDOMLY BETTER MOTIVATIONAL VIDEO:
"LeRoy is French for The Roy. What are you French for?"
'Nuff said, we're sold Leroy. Just in case you aren't check out his infomercial.

More LeRoy after the jump... OF FIYAHHH!!!

NYCE ANSWERS

2009-07-30T20:12:00.000-07:00

Not you're average asshole. Well maybe he is. Here's his first interview since like... umm the last one didn't go that well. Ask Jo Jo's publicist. On second hand, don't. FYI, he really did think she was of age at the time. We kid, we kid...

Here's a samplin' of our boy's perspective on Montreal's Goalie:

FANIQ: How do you feel about Carey Price?

NYCE: Twenty year-old millionaires should NOT be unleashed in Montreal. EVER. If they ever get an NBA team in Montreal, look out. There will be so many stories, photos and cell-cam videos that we are all going to have to CTRL+ALT+DELETE the internet at the same time to unfreeze it.

Read the entire article here.

RANDOMLY BETTER GERMAN COMMERCIAL:

NEWS REPORT WHICH COULD NOT GET ANY BETTER:

THE HURT LOCKER

2009-07-27T17:12:00.000-07:00

Rarely do all 4 of The Boogie Knights agree on a movie, but this needs to be seen. Eight thumbs up! (FYI, there are some great cameos, just sayin' we LOVE a good cameo.)

"It does for the war in Iraq what
'The Wire' did for the war on drugs."

- The Boogie Knights

ALL THE SPECULATION THAT'S FIT TO POST

2009-07-22T22:37:00.000-07:00

With all the blogs, message boards, talk radio, cable news scrolls and instant access to information in general, we now live in a world where rumor has replaced the lead as the focus of what constitutes news.

You no longer need a reliable source; you just need a source, which is “close to the situation.” Basically, your source knows a guy who knows a guy. It’s an urban legend approach to news gathering. Over the years, Eddie Murphy became Mike Tyson who became Michael Jordan who became Will Smith who became LeBron James who gave a lady a bouquet of $100 bills for a misunderstanding in an elevator. [citation needed] In sports it’s banned substances. Over the years, uppers became cocaine, which became ephedrine, which became steroids, which became HGH as the speculative lead to run with until we find out exactly what player X took. If you have a cold or are on a diet, there's a good chance you coudn't pass a sports drug test. Genetic Enhancers the media can't wait for you to get here soon enough.

Every major news outlet has adopted this philosophy of blurring the line between news and rumor. This is to the detriment of actual stories in an actual news cycle. There is no such thing as a “probable” fact, that’s just a hypothesis which needs to be proven which is just an opinion based on a subjective, poorly calculated assumption. That’s not ‘news’ worthy to be broken.

Read the rest of Nyce's featured article on the faniq.com after the jump.

REASON #1,948 WHY WE LOVE YAHOO! ANSWERS

2009-07-21T21:05:00.000-07:00

Hilarity ensues after the jump.

PIZZA

2009-07-15T19:20:00.001-07:00

WHY JACKO, WHY?

2009-07-08T18:45:00.002-07:00

In the end his daughter's words were heartfelt. It was sad.

Now, to all you "fans" crawling out of every little nook and cranny to gush over the great dead king, literally and figuratively (His fuckin' gold casket was on stage during his arena-wake for crissake! Why?) ...allow me to retort.

First of all, for the last 25 years we've ALL made derogatory MJ jokes or heard one and laughed or just simply called him bat shit crazy. He was. He lived crazy and died crazy - under the supervision of some witch doctor he hired to live with him! Unless you're terminally ill or whatever, why do you have a doctor living in your home overseeing your health or lack there of? Why?

B) In a million years if you were accused of doing what "they" said he did to little boys, would you simply throw money at it to make it go away? Still not sure? Riddle me this, would you let your child spend a night at the Neverland Ranch? Why?

iii) Google him and check out the images. A clear descent into madness. Forget the Vitiligo, I'm talking about the plastic surgery. Two dozen? Fifty procedures? Why?

Why did he buy test tube babies and stick 'em in surrogates to make a family? Why did he recently become a nomad? Why was he constantly seeking media attention only to shy away from it once it swarmed? Why did he let his life become so absolutely strange? Why?

And, why do people feel the need to hysterically grieve someone they have never met? Why all the overt hypocrisy? Why?

I'll let the King of Pop answer it for you:

If They Say -
Why, Why, Tell 'Em That Is Human Nature
Why, Why, Does He Do Me That Way
If They Say -
Why, Why, Tell 'Em That Is Human Nature
Why, Why, Does He Do Me That Way

We'll see you at the crossroads Michael, except we won't stop and talk or even acknowledge that we know you. Why? Because most of us probably won't recognize you, that's why. Well at least your daughter will and it might still be sad.

Just sayin',
Nyce

Okay, one more. that's it, pinky swear. Why didn't his fuckin' dance moves change from 1984 on? Why, why - tell 'em dat-dat dat-dat dat-dah...

SLEEPY BOOBS

2009-06-27T22:50:00.000-07:00

For crissake, really $55!?! (insert penis joke here, with a punchline being less than $55 dollars. You're welcome.)

HEY, THESE GUYS HAVE SOMETHING TO STICK TWEEN YOUR BOOBS
TO HELP YOU BITCHES GET SOME ZZZZ'S:

More of these rocket surgeons after the jump.

RANDOMLY BETTER ONE LINER: "Erotic is when you use a feather, Kinky is using the whole fuckin' chicken."

MIGHTY MOUSE

2009-06-21T11:17:00.000-07:00

Just sayin'.

THEY'RE KIDDING, RIGHT!?!

2009-06-14T14:21:00.000-07:00

WRONG! Sure we all throw "WTF" around like it's punctuation, but some folks truly deliver. We shit you not. And if we did you could always use this contraption.

LOL! We can't get enough of arrows through the face. Honestly, who can!

(Okay all shits and giggles aside, the guy with the bow locked his aim in on the other idiot like he was tracking a deer. CSI: Moscow better take a closer look at this "FATAL ACCIDENT."

COMRADE HORACIO: They were re-enacting a William Tell stunt, but let's. Just. See. (Extended Dramatic Pause) What the evidence will tell.

Cue The Who: "YYEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"

... and scene.)

A viral video of Disturbia. Yes. Yes it is. On sooooo many levels.

RANDOMLY BETTER IN POOR TASTE:

LOL JOKE

2009-06-05T21:48:00.000-07:00

This CAT is makinitbetter on the viral front.

MCDONALD'S: MAKINITBETTER GLOBALLY (FAIL)

2009-05-31T23:05:00.000-07:00

Honestly, WTF is going on in Japan? Seriously. This fuckin' monstrosity, curiously named Mc Gratin Croquette, "contained a deep fried Macaroni, shrimp, and mashed potato burger served on a bed of cabbage."

Alright, alright, you win Japan - You're the craziest!! That is until Germany gets hammered at a McDonald's and takes it up a notch, then it's on bitches!

Oh wait, Africa wants in on this too. They always seem pretty rational on the news. ESPECIALLY during elections and genocides and whatnot.
We're not sure about the "exotic African sauce." Apart from that it looks edible, but nice try anyway.

Canada, really!? Jeezus, you too. A fuckin' lobster sandwich with a side of fries and a watery diet Coke!?!?!
(Those wacky Canadians also get to order a goddamn pizza by screaming into the Meat Clown's face at the drive thru. We shit you not.)

N-E-way, Japan still holds the belt. Although we hear South Africa is gonna start offering Mc Soylent burgers in the fall. Japan says you're welcome.

RANDOMLY BETTER GEEKY JOKE:
More XKCD after the jump.

MICHAEL SWAIM

2009-05-27T21:34:00.000-07:00

"This motherfucker is mos def makinitbetter!" - Big Irv.

The 7 Most Mind-Blowing Foreign TV Moments -- powered by Cracked.com

BTW, Swaim would probably say, "You're welcome," and he's mos def been knighted.

RANDOMLY BETTER UNINTENTIONALLY COMEDIC GENIUS:

This Tony-Hawk-lookin'-horse's-backside wants to help us "focus" on what we're are doing by giving us... wait for it...

63 goddamn suggestions!

Really, we were having a little trouble with the ONE fuckin' thing we were supposed to get done by five. N - E - way, umm, thanx shitstick. And just as an added bonus, he's known as The Toilet Paper Entrepreneur. We shit you not! (We love it when a pun comes together.)

SEXUAL HARASSMENT

2009-05-19T21:52:00.000-07:00

These folks also have sensitivity training videos entitled, "Why can't I say nigger?!" and "Girl Guides: I'd hit that!" Obviously, they've been Knighted.

Shout out to HolyTaco for these and much more after the jump.

RANDOMLY BETTER: For any of you ladies out there who have been enlightened by those videos, here's How Lawsuits Work.
(BTW, How Lawsuits Work would have been the GREATEST 'School House Rock' jam of all time. Just sayin'... "Court injunction junction, what's your function?")

SIT COM, BITCHES!

2009-05-15T21:08:00.000-07:00

Kenny Powers is fuckin' in and you are FUCKIN' out!! BTW this only scratches the surface of how awesome this show is. You're welcome.

RANDOMLY BETTER: The Black Keys. You're double welcome. (Get it? Yeah, we suck.)

MOVIE TRAILER

2009-05-08T22:03:00.001-07:00

"Now THIS is how you make a fuckin' trailer!" - Sully

RANDOMLY BETTER FOOT MASSAGE:

SUNDAYS WITH LOMBARDI

2009-05-05T21:13:00.000-07:00

If you didn't already know, The Boogie Knights are into football. We mean, REALLY into football. We've also been loooking for something to read on the weekends since newspapers are going the way of the walkman. (The internet is the i-Pod to the newspaper's walkman, the same but MUCH better.)

That's why we love Mike Lombardi of the National Football Post.com If you haven't been on his tip on daily basis, at least check out his Sunday columns. They are superb, just like in the golden age of journalism when a columnist did more than just stroke the fire du jour.

With newspapers tanking and a bazillion shitty blogs like ours adding nothing to the mediasphere it is refreshing to read a true, insightful columnist like Mr. Lombardi. If your parents knew how to use a computer, or for that matter what the internet was, they'd love him. And that's saying something because your parents are probably assholes. N-E-way...

Here's his latest. You're welcome.

RANDOMLY BETTER MIKE LOMBARDI SPORTS ANALOGY THAT CAN BE APPLIED TO BUSINESS AND OTHER ENDEAVORS:

"Hope is often mistaken for a Plan."

...Church!

WOLFRAM ALPHA

2009-05-04T19:00:00.000-07:00

It sounds like something that's going to be in the G.I. Joe summer blockbuster, but it's actually a search engine... but better... sorta... we think? We're not sure or sold yet, but the smarty pants at ReadWriteWeb are... sorta:

"The hype around Wolfram|Alpha, the next "Google killer" from the makers of Mathematica, has been building over the last few weeks. Today, we were lucky enough to attend a one-hour web demo with Stephen Wolfram, and from what we've seen, it definitely looks like it can live up to the hype - though, because it is so different from traditional search engines, it will definitely not be a "Google killer." According to Stephen Wolfram, the goal of Alpha is to give everyone access to expert knowledge and the data that a specialist would be able to compute from this information."

We already have a vast amount of "expert knowledge" trolling the webosphere for porn, so we're not sure how useful this Viking-God sounding search engine is gonna be, but anyway. You can read the rest of the pre-review here on ReadWriteWeb after the jump.

It's not a new invention, but Wolfy is makinitbetter. That's all we ask... sorta.

RANDOMLY BETTER 2.0 VERSION- 2Wolf 2Ram: Tokyo Drift. Just sayin'. Think on it Wolfy. You're welcome.

HATFIELD & MC COY: E-TARDS

2009-05-02T22:18:00.000-07:00

Sir Irv has compiled some of the greatest comebacks in The Boogie Knights’ on going e-tard feud between Nyce and Sully’s Sister Sullie. Irv’s edited out all the blah-blah-blah and focused on the Check, and then, the Mate.
(BTW - Itchy & Scratchie are busting each other’s chops over fantasy football.)

Sully’s-Sis-Sullie: “… you’re an old minivan and I’m a cute little VW.”
Nyce: “Punch-buggy-stoopid”

Nyce: “… i get to pee standing up. HA!”
Sully’s-Sis-Sullie: “it’s one thing to have a vajeen, it’s another to be a vajeen”

Sully’s-Sis-Sullie & Nyce [‘almost simultaneously’ on repeated / retarded occasions]: “Favre-U!”

Sully’s-Sis-Sullie: “… gotta go JERK, gotta date.”
Nyce: “the navy in town?”

Nyce: “… admit it! im right!”
Sully’s-Sis-Sullie: “easy. nobody wants to see yur lipstick size, child boner”

ACTUALLY MUCH, MUCH BETTER: Check out vimeo.com. It's like YouTube's more original, better quality, less retarded cousin. Here's what we're talking about: (Umm, FAME much? This is pretty awesome. I wonder which one is supposed to be CoCo in this re-boot? - NYCE)

Nyle "Let The Beat Build" from Nyle on Vimeo.

We suggest you sign up. If you don't "get" it, just continue watching e-tarded-webcam-leave brit'ney alone-type bullshit on YouTube. Oh yeah, that rocks shitstick!

RANDOMLY BETTER: GARY COLEMAN'S SNOWPANTS

2009-04-30T19:25:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought you've seen errthin' - BAM! - Gary Coleman has a court date.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

RANDOMLY AWESOME!

Watch British Choir Sings "Whats My Age Again?" and more funny videos on CollegeHumor

NOT AS RANDOM, BUT IT'S STILL BETTER MOST: Big Stage. You can make a pretty hi rez image of yourself and put it in movies and other online video. Sounds stupid right? Wrong, sizzle-chest! Try it with an eight year old, they think it's Jesus-Magic. Oh, and you can share it on mySpace and Facebook, so it's only a matter of time until erverybody on the ineternet sends you the same little clip with their stupid face in it. Or even worse, their goddamn cat's face in it. That's going to be awful, but the idea and execution is pretty good. Digital you is going to be a star! Especially if you do it before everybody else does. Jump on this before your fuckin' girlfriend's sister sends you one with her cat asking about a cheezburgah.

A BETTER WTF? Are you a wanne be hipster-netizen? Try this next time you get an inter-office e-mail about bullshit TPS Report guidelines. (From the Urban Dictionary:)
FUCK THE WHAT: An exclamation used when describing an event later, NOT when it is happening. Associated with wtf and ftw it used in later describing disbelief at something.

Tim: "...and I was like 'dick flavored pizza? Fuck the what!"
Eric: "Yeah dude. Too bad im vegan."

Actually it's pretty tired, we just liked the example. We CANNOT wait to hear them use "dick flavored pizza" in a sentence at this year's National Spelling Bee. (Shout out to mo_preslei, you've been Knighted.)

BTW, we are still gonna delete any and all shitty, half-assed, stoopid comments. That's why there ain't any, anymore. Fuck you and your high school. THIS IS NOT YOUTUBE BITCHES!

VIDEOS MAKING THE NET BETTER, 'NUFF SAID.

2009-04-27T17:27:00.000-07:00

Lucy get a restraining order, NOW!!

Hey Lucy - Watch more Funny Videos

The title says it all.

Fat Guy With a Little Gun - Watch more Funny Videos

Lucy's a bit frazzled, cut her some slack.

Chick Confuses Brake With Gas Pedal - Watch more Funny Videos

DAS PARTEE-STARTAH

Creepy Dude Makes Same Face in Every Pic - Watch more Funny Videos

Yo, DJ ShortRound, BRING THAT BEAT BACK!

Insanely Talented Beat Boxing Kid - Watch more Funny Videos

OH SHIT! (Honestly, that was shit.)

Old Lady Craps In Store - Watch more Funny Videos

Seriously, let that air out yo chest, son. Cake ain't worth it.

Dont Drink And Talk Smack - Watch more Funny Videos

Shout out to break.com for these, more after the jump.

MAKIN IT GAYER. This shit could not get any, well you know... Not that there is anything wrong with that.

2009-04-16T21:42:00.000-07:00

Shout out to holytaco.com for these.

RANDOMLY BETTER: Guys in skinny jeans, a v-neck T-shirt and a scarf when it's 80 degrees out. That is a MUCH better look than getting a full-back tattoo of two naked dudes about to do it a vineyard. Not AS gay, but better.

VIDEO WHICH COULD NOT GET ANY...

HOCKEY

2009-03-14T20:03:00.000-07:00

You. Just. Read. That. It’s not the game itself, that’s just fine. Great even. [citation needed] Close playoff races down to the wire, fire-wagon action with fewer stoppages, a nice infusion of young talent… blah, blah, blah. That’s not the problem. The problemo is that nobody south of the Twin Cities gives a crap. Sooner or later the league will become another CFL. Blasphemy you say? Eazy-peazy lemon-squeazy…we got this.

First, allow us to retort to the recent horse-shit opinion of one Donald asS. Cherry on Ovechkin’s celebrations. Cracka, please! Unlike, say the NFL, this sport could use all the “Did you see that!” highlights and ensuing celebrations on the Mothership that it can get. The league has a horrible financial outlook. Horrible. You wait, by 2011-2012 the geographical landscape and financial blueprint of the NHL will be dramatically different. This isn’t some stock market Black Swan either. (But neither was the stock market for that matter.) Maybe they should have sold the whole thing for a few Billi when they had the chance. All we’re saying is that Bettman and his boys are in deep Scooby-Doo-Doo. (RIGHT-RAGGY?) With public access ratings and dwindling attendance in key Red, White & Blue“Freedom” markets (Hey Detroit, anybody listening?), this league is in need of nightly 11 o’clock, quick-cut hype. So please, let him do his thang. The league needs heroes or in some cases villains. We’re not saying give Avery the mic and let him spit like ‘Pac, but “Let them play!” Let them enjoy it. If the other team has a problem with it, THEY will handle it - on the ice - with their gloves off. That’s right up your alley, ain’t it Don? Yep, pwnd that asS. Boogie Knights 1, Crazy-Old-Michael-Irvin-Suit-Wearing-Jaggoff zip. Scoreboard bitch.

B) Scrap the pro’s in the Olympics. I know, I know, Canada but after 2010. Relax, don’t flame us, eh. Is Olympic hockey great? Yes. Do the Olympics as a whole kinda suck? Yes. So WTF?!?! Gary, you are bringing Jenna Jameson to a swinger party. You’re the big dog. Piss on you’re territory. Own that shit. Your game is already bigger. The Olympics are all about watching people you have never heard of accomplish something fuckin’ awesome on a world stage. That’s it. Stars are for filling arenas 80-some times a year. Any asshole will buy an Olympic ticket.

Hmm, now they do have this thing called the Spangler Cup. ‘Bunch of has-been’s, semi-somebodies and could’ve-beens going all out for some shitty Euro-trophy. Hockey is taxing. These dudes actually do it for the love of the game at a very high level. So every four years, let’s reward these almost-made-it / had-a-cup-coffee guys with a fuckin’ medal. Plus, the NHL CANNOT afford, financially or in terms of exposure, to have a star get injured. It’s going to happen… again. (See: Hasek – Ottawa Senators) That crippled them on many levels. What if Nash gets hurt? Ovechkin? Crosby? Those markets couldn’t handle it. Hell if a Toronto Maple Leaf or Montreal Canadien star got hurt, during a front running Cup push, we’d have to ‘ctrl-alt-delete’ the internet in Canada. Parts of The great White North would resemble the barren wasteland in Mad Max. Goalie masks, Thunder Dome, creepy Tina Turner and all. (Both those teams kinda suck now, but by 2012, they will renew their rivalry atop or near the top of the Eastern conference, just watch.) You’d bitch Canada, but you’d still be in to it anyway. And end up liking it, like drunk Christmas Party sex with that (expletive deleted) in Human Resources.

iii. Nobody knows who these kids are before they get drafted. That’s sort of a major goddamn problem. Again Canada, EEEE-ZZZEEE, we’re gonna fix this south of the border and we’re not talking about Mexico. Junior hockey in the CND is college hoops and NCAA football combined. So what do the major junior leagues do? They have a crappy round-robin tourney (which sounds kinda, umm, pillow biter-ish, just sayin’ ) with only four fuckin’ teams featuring that bitch-ass double elimination format. And one of the final four is the broke-dick host team. Yippee-kah-yay mofo’s! No. No more. This is not Europe. Wait for it. This isn’t a new idea: 8-team-bracket format with at-large bids and errthing. Selection show! Bubble teams! Debatable seeding! One and done games! WHY DO YOU THINK THE NCAA MAKES BILLION$ ON THE FINAL FOUR!?! The Frozen Four gets play for crissake! We would all talk about it, watch it and fill out brackets to enter the $250 office pool. THAT’S WHY!

Here’s the real point, TSN would eat it up. ESPN2, ESPNU and ESPN Deportes would have a hockey “they-got-next” sporting event. (Okay, Deportes was a stretch, but you get the idea.) The coup-de-gras would be actually seeing these kids show-out before they get drafted. Make the draft mean something to the casual fan. Dwayne Wade was a nobody before the Final 4. So was Michael Jordan, Patrick Ewing, The Dream, Lorenzo Charles, etc. Sure they didn’t all pan out (sorry about that Lo) but still. It would take a few years to build some momentum, but it would. One shining moment is all these kids need. Actually, it’s all the NHL needs too. Fuckit, the Olympics/Spangler Cup idea should use this format too.

You’re welcome,
The Boogie Knights.

*Shout out to Classified*… we’re listening. (Mostly Sully’s sister Sullie, but that’s why you got into the business, right?) Don’t change them digits. Enfield-what!

RAMDOMLY BETTER: Let's end the World baseball Classic, wipe out all evidence that ever existed then drag whoever came up with idea in front of a firing squad. You're welcome.

TRAILER WHICH COULD NOT BE ANY BETTER: (We would try to make it better, but we have no idea what the hell is going on.)

WEBSITES THAT ARE BETTER THAN MOST

2009-02-26T20:17:00.000-08:00

We're lazy and a little hung over. A bad combination when we were trying to make the economy better in about 500 words. Since that's not gonna happen, here's some more links. (BTW, we love the term "after the jump." We just do. It's the complete opposite of ending every e-mail with "Cheers." That, we fuckin' hate.)

Greg says You're Welcome.

You know what time it is... in Japan!

Celebrity lookalikes. Seriously,who are these assholes kidding?

This guy's sketchbook is really fascinating.

Very scary, extremely interesting. Seth also writes a great prison B-Ball blog.

Go ahead type in your city and pick "little boy."

Sure it's filthy, but it's art.

Y'ever fall asleep watching a DVD and wake up here?

Technology, Entertainment, Design - Talks. Screw college, this is free.

One day all websites will be like this. We can't wait.

Random trivia about things and, like, umm, stuff. We can't stop.

Youtube-type site for text documents. Sigh... we just exhaled.

And finally for those of you without photoshop or gimp, you can still befunky. Plus, there's a WARHOLIZER. Sounds dirty, as in "I'm gonna put my weaponized-johnson in her warhole." 'nuff said.

Cheers bitches! - Nyce, Tara, Sully and his sister Sullie

RANDOMLY BETTER (AFTER EACH JUMP)

2009-02-24T09:53:00.000-08:00

The Adam Carolla podcast. Even though it just debuted, this has got some legs.

MC Hammer + Twitter = Weirdly Awesome!

Beastie Boys Paul's Boutique redux. Turn it up and enjoy it again.

Mike Sack's screen caps are too funny. I really hope I make the cut one day. Really.

The ZAMZAR file conversion site has come in handy on more than one occasion.

Got a cult, genre or art house movie jones? "Cinema Strikes Back" has got that fix.

You're welcome,

Nyce and Sully's sister Sullie.

iPhone Apps

2009-02-19T22:04:00.000-08:00

(As with a lot of topics, this is just the tip of the iCeberg. Wait for it.)

This is purely personal to me (and the other "ghosts" makinitbetter), as well as, nerds of a certain age but what-the-blood-clot. Now, let me clear my throat.

There are a ton of great things about the iPhone and the app store, too many to get into quite frankly. There are also a myriad of awful things which we’ll eventually get to for the same reasons. Having said that, is it too much to ask for to port old games onto this, or any other smart phone? Some have tried and failed horribly, we’re looking at you Namco. For Chrisssake, WTF!! It’s not rocket surgery. Apple is clearly working on something better. (My Apple deepthroat slash ex-pat-ex-mac internist told me so months ago. BTW: Wouldn’t “The Internist” be a great title for a Grisham novel? I know I'm using it wrong but any-godamn-way...) It can be done and it can turn a profit. Here’s how.

Take Tecmo Bowl for instance. There are a gazillion NES games to chose from, but this is the one we’re choosing. Why wouldn’t this be awesome? Why? (Don’t even get me goin’ on Intelevision or Colecovision!!! Zaxxon was made for the accelerometer!) Sell it for $10 or even better, make it 99¢ and then sell in game brand placement. Whoa, I know. Bo Jackson on the subway, in the waiting room, in line at the motherfuckin’ DMV, online head-to-head action, stoned on the can, it’s basically endless. TecmoBo + the accelerometer would be like, well umm… like this. Yeah, you’d Jizz in your pants like Andy Samberg, don’t even lie. (Again, wouldn’t “Jizz’d” be a great MTV reality show? Get random Maxim models to hit on guys in clubs and film their overly excited/aroused/grabby reactions until Samberg jumps outta nowhere and ruins it asshole-style? Just a thought. A great one, but just a thought.)

The best part is you could get these huge corporations on board, by placing, say a Geico logo on the fifty yard line. Pepsi banners along the top sideline that scroll over and over again like the background in the Flintsones. The Pièce de résistance would be calling said app: THE TOSTITOS TECMO BOWL. I can’t believe I’m giving this away. I also “Can’t believe it’s not butter.” (Okay that was cheesy. I just can’t stop.) This is the perverbial win-win-jizz your pants situation.

You’re welcome.

(Sincerely, Nyce and Irv.)

RANDOMLY BETTER: Just add bacon to whatever you’re eating. Seriously, go to Subway and order a tuna sub… balh, blah, blah, tell ‘em to put some bacon on that bitch too. Tell ‘em you’ll pay for it or whatever. Yep, that is much fuckin’ better. Not convinced? Fry up some strips then throw them in the middle of a lasagna or as a layer in a stack of pancakes or – may God have mercy on my soul – as the meat in a Cinnabon sandwich. (Glazed sides in of course. You’re not a sloppy pot head.)

BLOG POST WHICH COULD NOT BE ANY BETTER: Joe Rogan should have his face on a stamp. Here’s one of the many reason’s why.

E-MAIL ETIQUETTE

2009-02-13T12:55:00.000-08:00

Look, there is absolutely no motherfuckin’ need to forward goddamned joke video e-mails with the fuckin’ .wmv as an attachment to every person in your contacts. None. There’s this thing called YouTube now, just forward the link. It is not 1997 anymore. Here, try it.
Subject: Check this out!

If you have one of these hys-TIRED-ical files and are dying to share it with every fuckin’ person you’ve ever met just upload it to YouTube (create an account / channel first if you have to) then people can actually subscribe to your nonsense. (Check out my video below, for example.) They will even get automatic updates every time you load up another video of a drunk chick falling over a table at her cousins wedding. I know, right… it’s the same sort of magic as a fax machine at a retirement home. “Boy-oh-boy, technology suurrrrre is something!”

Also, it is not e-socially acceptable to create, possess or distribute any PowerPoint “gag” files. Not any. Ever. I have spent almost all of my adult life sitting at a computer staring at the screen all day. Trust me, out of all your friends I’m in the majority and we have all seen these YEARS ago. 4Chan, Fark (to name two) with the help of Digg, StumbleUpon, Reddit, Twitter, etc. (See top right, under: MAKE THIS BLOG BETTER) have replaced the need for you to get personally involved by hitting the forward button whenever you think it’s funny that some son-of-a-bitch’s cat “wantz to haz a cheezburger” or that some swarthy hot chick actually has a 7 inch dick. Motherfuck me, please stop it. Trust me, highlighting someone in your Facebook Notes is much, MUCH better than actually forwarding the goddamn chain-letter-questions-shit.

Would you ever, in a million years, call a friend and leave a fuckin’ joke you read in Maxim in their voicemail? No you wouldn’t, but that is exactly what you’re doing each time you forward those memes. To everyone in someone’s contact list around the world, you’re welcome.

P.S. Sully says: “Photos are totally different, you can just scroll down and look before you click DELETE (or if you’re a fuckin’ prick) FORWARD(to)ALL.” No need to run another program. Good point.

RANDOMLY BETTER: Everybody already has a Gmail or hotmail account or whatever, but you may want to give zenbe.com a whirl. They provide some pretty cool features like iPhone lists and the ability to view almost all file formats online including Microsoft Office documents. Power users can even sync existing accounts.

BONUS: Try clusty.com over google. I think they have actually made a better search engine.

VIDEO WHICH COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE MADE BETTER:

MOVIES & TV: TOKYO DRIFT

2009-02-06T23:47:00.000-08:00

[Note: This will obviously be an on going topic. I plan to really explore the studio space on this subject. I mean really explore it. I’ll eventually separate them into their own categories and subdivisions, but let me just get the ball rolling. Nyce per The Boogie Knights]

Look, I know white people need a “Magic Negro” in their lives especially when they suspend disbelief. But it’s not Morgan Freeman. It’s not Denzel. It’s not Sam Jackson. It’s not Eddie Murphy, Tiger Woods nor does he live in Big Mama’s House. It’s not even [may GOD, if God turns out to be white, have mercy on my soul] Will Smith. Replace “The Fresh Prince” with Don Cheadle whenever possible and you’ve got a better movie. You don’t think Don could have handled The Legend of Bagger Vance? Hancock? I am Legend? I, Robot? Wild, Wild West? Six Degrees of Separation? Well wait to you see him as motherfuckin’ War Machine in the Iron Man sequel. Get ready for a new day. Just wait. Hell, he probably would have been a better Jazzy Jeff than Jazzy Jeff !

Also, villains should always be Nazis or sound like Nazis, be associated with Nazis, ex-Nazis, zombie Nazis, whatever. Everybody hates Nazis and always will. They’re like the Yankees, Duke Blue Devils and Republi-Cons all rolled into one. It’s great to root against them! For instance, Hans Gruber in Die Hard would not have been as good – funnier maybe, but not as good - if he had a French-Canadian, Middle Eastern, Latino, or Scottish accent. Making a villain Nazi-ish is sublime. (See: The Terminator [I know, I know, but the first one], Raiders of the Lost Ark, Das Boot, [no wait, they were the good guys right?] any James Bond movie or those headlines of Mel Gibson getting arrested for DUI. If Mel wasn’t a Nazi we would have felt sorry for him. Fuck ‘im.

Okay, this one’s personal, COMPUTERS ARE NOT MAGIC!!!! We all have one, we know how they work. YOU CANNOT ENHANCE A SHITTY, LOW RESOLUTION, SECURITY VIDEO STILL-FRAME IN 3 SECONDS TO THE POINT THAT YOU CAN SEE BLACKHEADS ON THE MURDER’S NOSE AT 100 YARDS!! A.F.I.S. IS NOT LIKE SEARCHING YOUR COMPUTER FOR THAT FILE YOU WERE WORKING ON LAST WEEK!! Even when the CIA, FBI or Illuminati do it, it’s just as much art or subtle technique as it is some kind of algorithm. WHICH ARE NOT 100% ACCURATE!! They would probably also USE THE FUCKIN’ MOUSE rather than type in a couple of random sentences on a keyboard to do it. Stop it, stop it right now Hollywood!! FYI, CSI is unwatchable because of this, and well, for a lot of other crimes against humanity. [BTW , “FYI:CSI:SVU:JAG:NCIS” would be a great fan fiction type scenario. I’m just saying.]

HORACIO: Eric, [dramatic pause / removal of sunglasses]… zoom in on the top left of that surveillance tape, please.

HISPANIC MALE MODEL: [typing feverishly - The Quick Red Fox Jumps Over the Lazy Brown Dog. The Quick Red Fox Jumps Over the Lazy Brown Dog -] Got it, H!

SCREENSHOT OF “ACTUAL DRIVER’S LICSENCE” BASED ON ONE MOTHERFUCKIN’ FRAME OF ENHANCED CONVENIENCE STORE SURVEILLANCE FOOTAGE / AFIS SEARCH / INSTANT DNA ANALYSIS / FACE RECOGNITION SOFTWARE.

HORACIO: We're not retiring, but it looks like we’re going to Boca Raton.

CUE THE WHO / DADE COUNTY VIDEO MONTAGE: YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
[… and scene.]

I actually feel better. Now I’d like to close this out on a high note by speaking directly to the bottom of the barrel. Let me clear my throat.

Dear Mr. Bigshot-Hollywood-Producer-Nazi, you’re only making a horrible sequel for DVD rental purposes anyway, why not just go ahead and use the words “Tokyo Drift” at the end of the title. It’s ALL-good, we’re probably gonna rent it anyway. Live a little. Here:
2 much Sense 2 much Sensibility: Tokyo Drift
Star Wars Episode Eleventeen: Tokyo Drift
Smokey & The Bandit 4: Tokyo Drift
High School Musical 5: Tokyo Drift
Harry Potter and The Tokyo Drift
The Matrix Re-Cataclysm'd: Tokyo Drift [ah, needs work]
Das Shizer Moviefilmenn #2: Tokyo Drift
The last one works on so many levels, [sigh] I could do that all day. Actually, just make up your own and drop ‘em around the water cooler at work. Most people will never call you on it, ‘cause they’re as fuckin’ retarded as the assholes that make these sequels in the first place. [Bonus: It could probably be some sort of great drinking game as well.] You’re willkommen.

RANDOMLY BETTER: The Valentine’s dinner date. Go to an Indian Restaurant then check out ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ at the local MoviePlex. It’s a seriously great chick flick. Seriously. When you’re rounding second base later that night, say hi to your mother for me and remember… it is written.

VIDEO CLIP WHICH COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE MADE BETTER:

PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES

2009-01-30T13:43:00.000-08:00

Now that all the wacky fun of blind partisanship is over and we finally have our first Hawaiian President - hopefully as a nation we can get past the whole Pearl Harbor thing or whatever and just move forward - we can take a closer look at the process. Specifically, debates.

Hey I’m all for overly rehearsed, propagandized verbal diarrhea, but what did it really tell us about the candidates? Not much. It basically came down to some NPR guy soft-tossing issues at them while they stroked their “I’m rubber” answers and “you’re glue” rebuttals into the vacant power alley of our collectively short attention span. It’s the equivalent of political batting practice. So what are really talking about, man? Practice?! Practice?! We’re gonna decide who should be the leader of the free world and we’re talking about PRACTICE?!?!?!? Fuck that, we need some chin music.

Okay keep the NPR moderator, but let a panel of a few “impartial journalists” from MSNBC and FOXNews grab the mic and spit. They could even be symbolically seated on the left and right of the screen. Blue and red sports coats, you get the idea. This doesn’t even factor in all the dirty looks and condescending grimaces they’d be throwing at each other.

Think about how entertaining the last debates would have been. O’Reilly, Hannity and Skeletor could have used their infectious rage and gone after the Hawaiian guy like zombies in 28 Days Later. He would have countered with one of his Jedi mind tricks and it would be on! Now that, is how you want your commander-in-chief reacting under pressure.

Just as awesome would have been a smug, condescending dissection of the Civil War Hero through the comedy stylings of Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann.

NPR DUDE: Mr. Olbermann, do you have anything to add to Mr. Matthews’ forty minute “who’s on first” line of questioning.

OLBERMANN: Crazyoldnazisayswhat?

CIVIL WAR GUY: …what?

MATTHEWS: Senator, we have already established that he is on second.

(…and scene)

That would be worth at least a $39.99 pay-per-view and we should all get to vote American Idol style. That way we would know who the next President would be by tuning in the next night to watch Ryan Seacrest pull a name out of a hat and feel secure in the knowledge that our text-message vote counts. Freedom, justice and the pursuit of happiness ensue. You’re welcome

RANDOMLY BETTER:

Use quarter pounder patties in a Big Mac. You know you would. This would also randomly make hangovers better.

VIDEO WHICH COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE MADE BETTER:

Figure Skating

2009-01-23T11:19:00.000-08:00

Remember when you made your girl watch “UFC whatever” with you? Well now it’s payback and you’re going have to watch figure skating with her. Ouch. Well that’s where we can help.

First of all, we do not consider it a sport, just like we don’t consider ballet a sport either. They’re basically the same shit, except the figure skater dudes are much more overtly gay. So, until they recognize ballroom dancing as an Olymp… What? Wait. Whatever.

Anyway, you know how it could be made watchable? H-O-R-S-E. Yep. One of the skaters would pull off a move or a combination of moves and then the others would have to throw it down as well or get a letter. Girls against the, um, boys. Gay guy vs. gayer guy. It wouldn’t matter. Plus, there would be plenty of W-H-O-R-E jokes to piss off your girl!

Oh, did we mention celebrity judges like the black Star Trek guy with the wicked shades, JM J Bullock and one of the hookers from the Pussycat Dolls would decide who is labeled H-O on the big board. (See, told ya!) You would watch just for the God-awful chick wipe-outs. Yeah, you would and so would your girl.

And just to make it even mo' betta, we are going to have this whole sideshow hosted by Pat Summerall. You’re welcome.

Randomly better:
Clancy Pendergast and Ted Cottrell should switch names, like right now. Remember how John Madden would always bring up that back judge or whatever who was related to The Pointer Sisters? With this change he could constantly wonder out loud if Clancy was related to Teddy Pendergrass or Teddy Cottrell. Madden's nuts.

Video which couldn’t possibly be made better: